Two years ago, my husband and I decided to realign our roles as parents for our well-being. From that decision, I quit my 15-year job to become a full-time stay-at-home mom. It wasn’t hasty; we had numerous discussions after our second child was born, weighing the pros and cons of our chaotic schedules. Ultimately, we agreed I should stay home to spend more time with our kids and not miss out on their milestones. So, I mentally prepared for the transition, thinking it would be a piece of cake and I could now be a couch potato. When my son started first grade, I resigned. However, six months into it, I felt unexpectedly empty and lost.
Don’t get me wrong; each day was packed with kids and housework, but there was nothing for myself. Plus, I no longer provided financially for the family, so I felt I had lost my voice. Everything I did seemed not good enough; I felt like a failure. Those feelings escalated to consistent frustration and anxiety, leading to yelling at my kids for no apparent reason and throwing things at walls over minimal mistakes. These episodes occurred more frequently, terrifying the kids. One night, as I lay on my bed, replaying my behavior, I realized I had to fix myself. How could I raise my kids to be the people I want them to be if I’m broken? I started searching for ways to improve. After a year and a half, I am much better and feel good about where we are. I haven’t become the person I’d like myself to be, but I’m still trying.
Below are the seven methods that I’ve tried. I am not a professional, nor do I have any medical degree behind these, but I’ve certainly have tried all of them. Some worked well for me, and some not so much, but everyone is different and they may just work for you, even when you least expect it.
“This post contains referral links to Amazon for these products. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. It does not cost you extra to purchase through my links..”
1. Reconnect With Friends & Parents
I have lost contact with the majority of my friends since getting married. Everyone got busy with their families or careers. Now that my kids are older, and I’m not working full-time, I have extra time on my hands. So, I reached out to friends I haven’t talked to in a while, even a few I wasn’t close with. I also had my son pass a note with my number to whoever he wants to have a playdate with. This is out of my comfort zone because I thought parents would reach out to me for playdates, but that was not the case. So instead of waiting, we reached out. Being socially connected, for myself and my children, is the best method of all. Speaking to someone who shares the same struggles and joys is different than having negative thoughts flooding my head at home.
2. Seek Professional Help
Coming from an Asian background, seeking help from a therapist felt like admitting something was wrong with me, like I was crazy. The idea was completely unacceptable! As we stepped into parenthood, some of my friends sought therapy for post-partum depression. Initially, I thought they were crazy and that they must’ve overanalyzed everything. Looking back now, I realize they were wise to recognize their problems and had the courage to seek help when they were most vulnerable.
During my first meeting with my therapist, she asked why I felt the need to see one. Why not just talk to friends, family members, or my husband? The reason was simple: I wanted to speak to someone who could provide unbiased feedback based on their professional background, without judgment or personal opinions. Someone outside my mommy groups or friends’ circles, where gossip spreads like wildfire. Over the next six months, during ten sessions, my therapist listened and dissected the details of what led to my anxiety and frustration, pinpointing the root causes. With her support, I was forced to face my fears and admit their existence, as well as acknowledge my imperfections and embrace them. Our program ended before she went on maternity leave. In the end, I felt relieved and learned to recognize my problems and address them whenever I felt anxious or insecure.
3. Exercise
According to science on Google, exercising releases endorphins and serotonin, chemicals that improve your mood and are supposed to make you feel happy. Well, I don’t know if it actually made me feel happy every time because I was pretty exhausted, but I did get distracted from all the hopeless thoughts and ended up feeling hopeful.
I started off with High-Intensity Interval Training (HIIT), about twice a week, by watching videos from YouTubers like Emi Wong, Chloe Ting, Blogilates, Growing Gannanas, and many more. Then, I’d do vinyasa yoga or go hiking for another two days. Of all, hiking is my favorite because I can enjoy the walk while listening to music or podcasts, and two hours pass by like that. Hiking on nearby mountain trails would be my preference, but the local neighborhood would be fine too if there wasn’t enough time. The point of exercise, to me at least, is not just about strength training or body toning; it’s the fact that I actually got up and did something good for my body. For that, I feel good.
4. Reading
I used to love reading. Not because I was studious or eager to learn, but because I loved immersing myself in amazing worlds, escaping from the chaos of dirty laundry and kids fighting. However, in the past few years, I’ve read possibly less than 5 books in 7 years. It’s sad, really. So in 2021, I set a new goal to read 8 books a year, then 10 in 2022, and finally 12 for 2023. So far, I’ve met those goals. I’ve devoured the entire Bridgerton series, some books more than once. I’ve delved into the mysteries of Higashino Keigo, a Japanese novelist known for his gripping tales. The wonder of living in those worlds as one of the characters, feeling the passion and thrill as I flip through the pages, excites me. I can forget about everything—my struggles, frustrations, and fears.
And it’s not just fictional novels; I’ve also explored some of the most popular self-improvement books, like “Atomic Habits,” “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,” and “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Admittedly, I don’t remember all the details, nor do I follow all the steps to be successful or declutter my life to minimize anxiety. But as I flip those pages and read each line, there are sentences and phrases that resonate with me, changing my perspective on parenthood, marital partnership, self-awareness, and social connection. I’ve become, not 100% positive, but much clearer on what to expect and what to let go of. It just got easier.
5. Podcast
I started listening to various podcasts to fill up the extra time on the road after dropping off my daughter at preschool when she turned 4. There were bumps in selecting programs I actually enjoyed and wanted to continue following, but thankfully, I accumulated a nice list of programs, in both Chinese and English, to follow each week. It doesn’t have to be about self-improvement; as long as you can stay focused and enjoy the content, that’s all that matters, same for reading. When you do something you enjoy, you feel better, and therefore, think more positively without nitpicking every little thing that often leads to anxiety and insecurity. With that said, my recommendation for self-improvement that I’ve been following for 2 years now is “The Self Awareness Journey” by JJ Parker and Melissa Albers. They release an episode each week, around 30 minutes or so, and the content relates to everyday situations that could connect to you and me.
6. Meditation
Throughout the years, even before I quit my job, friends have recommended meditation to reduce stress and anxiety, but somehow, it hasn’t worked for me. Admittedly, the source of guided meditation is one of the main problems. There hasn’t been one that aligns with my expectations, including the pace and flow of the session, the background music or sound, the way the instructor talks, or how the session is ended. Often, I end the session with a severe headache on top of feeling sore all over my body. I was told the soreness was part of detoxification for beginners, but not the headache, and it was unbearable. Despite this, I’m still trying. Plus, just because it doesn’t work for me doesn’t mean it won’t work for others. Friends who recommended meditation have been committed for years.
7. Improve Personal Growth & Self-Value
Learning a new skill can boost confidence because you’re actively improving yourself through effort. From knitting to cooking, crafting to plumbing, as long as you dedicate yourself to it, your self-esteem will improve because you’re mastering something you had no idea about years ago.
Knowing this, I started learning Spanish about a year ago. I can’t say I can speak or write fluently, but I can definitely pick up a few words and say a few sentences, which is much better than a year ago. Now, I’m learning to create a blog and monetize it. Unlike taking care of the children or cleaning up the house, Spanish and this blog are part of my personal growth journey, allowing me to explore new interests and expand my skills.
8. Pamper Yourself
When the kids are at school or with grandparents, take time for yourself. Treat yourself to a full-body massage, a manicure, or a pedicure. Better yet, go on a shopping spree with your girlfriends. Remember, you’re more than just a mom; you’re still you. You deserve to do whatever makes you feel confident and happy, including enhancing your appearance.
9. Learn to Let It Go
This is the hardest part compared to the aforementioned points, but it’s probably one of the root causes of my anxiety. If you’re a perfectionist or idealist feeling overwhelmed with everything, then consider the song “Let It Go” by Idina Menzel from Frozen, because it’s time for you to let it go. If you can’t finish washing the dishes but you’re late to pick up your kids, just let it go. Put down the dirty dishes, grab your keys, and go. If you’re exhausted and really don’t want to cook tonight’s dinner, let it go and get takeout. If your kids mess up their room after you’ve just cleaned it up, let it go and walk out of the room. Don’t nag about it to your husband or kids; instead, get a cup of freshly brewed coffee or a glass of wine and turn on Netflix. Chores will always be there, but you don’t need to clean everything perfectly every day. Don’t guilt trip or shame yourself just because something isn’t completely done or your kid isn’t performing up to your expectations. Things may not be perfect, but there’s always tomorrow. Allow yourself to let go and find time for yourself throughout the day. Take a deep breath and let yourself breathe.